A Candle in the Dark

New Documentary Project

2010-12-19T09:20:00.002-05:00

Looking for funding for a documentary I am doing about PTSD. I want to go back to Iraq and see how it will affect me. I also want to interview those there who have had and have not suffered PTSD and see their opinion on being there.

$10 per person will get us going.

Thanks.

NEW BOOK CITY OF FIRE

2010-07-10T22:21:00.001-04:00

Check it out, just released.

Providor to Patient: First Appointment.

2010-02-11T19:16:00.002-05:00

The room itself would have been fine if it didn't have the psychological hindering that it had once been a bathroom converted for telemed conferencing. One glaring florescent light sat above you but it might as well been a lone bulb swinging back and forth like an old noir film. The screen fizzled and the image of a doctor 2,000 miles away came on. Her camera was so high it was like watching an old lady driving. We talked about the same things as always. I hoped I answered the same as every other time so I wouldn't look like a liar. She seemed a bit goofy but genuine. This time I left with drugs waiting at the pharmacy.

I started on the meds and they seemed to work other than keeping me sleepy all day. The next appointment was funny. I had a new doctor, a nurse practitioner who told me that Dr. B**** wouldn't be back. I found out later she was institutionalized for being a nut job...nice. The NP changed my meds making me worse bringing back the nightmares and the anxiety. B may have been crazy but at least she was a doctor.

I begged not to get the NP again so I get a new doc. He was a shrink in Vietnam and was great. He made sure the records said PTSD and talked me through a lot of my issues. I loved the guy. One small issue he was retiring in two weeks.

The next doctor, I hoped, would be better.

From Provider to Patient - I

2010-02-01T09:50:00.003-05:00

My whole time in the Army I have been a combat soldier. Whether as a recon infantryman or a medic in the Stryker Brigade I was a shooter. So when I got to Ft Hood and was assigned to the hospital I was ready to jump into traffic. The politically correct environment of the clinic did me no good. An opportunity to go to the Warrior Transition Unit as a squad leader was a godsend. I would be around combat troops again. Not whiny doctors or know-it-all nurses, but shooters, my people.

I was there for about a month when I noticed something. I had eighteen soldiers and about fifteen of them were severe PTSD cases. I began to realize that the complaints they were giving me were exactly like some of the things my wife was telling me about me. Nightmares, irritability, extreme anger, and fear of every unknown sound. There was no way I had PTSD though. I loved Iraq. I relished the combat experience I'd had. The only thing that kept me back was my family. If I was single I would have stayed with my old unit to deploy again and again. I could have skated out of my deployment but managed to bullshit some family care plan paperwork and go.

I had a soldier continuously tell me that I had PTSD. I thought he was joking. By January 2008 I realized that it was time to do something. I went to the clinic that was basically a mental sick-call to see a shrink. The guy that came out looked like a '60s throw-back. He wore a ponytail and dashiki with beads and an earring. He turned out to be a retired warrant officer that just went native. He referred me to the PTSD clinic to get treatment...that is after he told me to "retrain my mind." I was to change what wrist I wore my watch on, flip the guitar when playing Guitar Hero, and write lefty just to practice.

Regardless of what I thought he said I had "it" and was going to see psychiatry in the hospital.

PTSD Diary coming soon

2010-01-26T08:02:00.000-05:00

I have neglected you all for too long.

Invisible Pains and Real Injuries.

2009-07-29T15:57:00.000-04:00

I have been medically retired from the Army and the issues many soldiers have are summed up in this story. Please pass this on to ANYONE who cares about us.

TBI

FINALLY.

2008-11-15T23:49:00.000-05:00

You Tube

As some of you know, in 2006 NPR asked me to do a piece for This I Believe. When the compilation book came out my essay was selected for the book. Last night I did my first public reading and got to give out my first autograph. This is the video of my reading.

Iraq Photo Archive

2008-10-12T20:53:00.000-04:00

www.iraqphotoarchive.blogspot.com

If you served in Iraq and have pictures or video to share go to the link and help out. I want to show America what we see and not what the media shows.

We have seen things the media wont or can't show. Soldiers being soldiers, serving with honor and fighting with valor.

E-mail the site from there and I'll send out submission requirements.

Thanks Brothers.

What the World Thinks of Me or What I Think of the World.

2008-10-09T17:12:00.000-04:00

OBSERVERS FRANCE CHANNEL 24

Just some work I've been doing for the Europeans.

Another Year of Rememberance, Another Year at War.

2008-05-26T13:51:00.000-04:00

I want all Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsman; active, reserve, and National Guard; past and present to begin a new tradition. On all military days of remembrance wear your dog tags on the outside. Let the people of America see who you are and that you are proud. Proud of your service if not the policies that led to that service.

Our actions are not their actions. Let America see the mark we carry to let those know who we were when we passed and show them that we are still here and remember those who aren't.

DOG TAGS OUT ON MEMORIAL DAY AND ALL MILITARY HOLIDAYS.

REMEMBER US BUT MORE SO REMEMBER THEM.

SSG Steven H. Bridges, 33, of Tracy, Calif.

SPC Joseph M. Blickenstaff, 23, of Corvallis, Ore.

SPC Christopher J. Rivera Wesley, 26, of Portland, Ore.

SPC Michael M. Merila, 23, of Sierra Vista, Ariz.

PVT Bradli N. Coleman, 19, of Ford City, Pa.

SGT Jacob H. Demand, 29, of Palouse, Wash.

SPC Kenneth M. Cross, 21, of Superior, Wisconsin

PFC Daniel G. Dolan, 19, of Roy, Utah

SGT Lucas T. White, 28, of Moses Lake, Wash.

SPC Justin R. Garcia, 26, of Elmhurst, N.Y.

SSG Hector Leija, 27, of Houston, Texas

SGT Chadrick Domino, 23, of Ennis, Texas

SPC Romel Catalan, 21, of Los Angeles, California

SSG JAKE THOMPSON 26, of North Mankato, Minn

SGT NICK GUMMERSALL 23, of Chubbuck, ID

SPC JUAN ALCANTARA 22, of New York

SPC KAREEM R. KAHN 20, of Manahawkin, N.J.

4,081 and counting...and remembering.

What Children Have Known or (Insert Whitney Houston Song Lyrics Here)

2008-05-04T20:54:00.000-04:00

Every war has had children lose parents either on the battlefield or as an accident of battle. I, as a soldier, have lost 17 friends. We knew each others names, faces, even bad jokes that we'd repeat over and over.

Every few months my son will come home from school hearing about how another one of his friends lost a parent. Just this past Friday was the latest.

Soldiers know the price they personally have to pay. What we have always regretted about our job is not the act but the people we leave behind, alone. I have seen children of friends at memorial services stoically sitting as the tears choke them. Many times have the flags at schools flown at half-staff for a fallen Mom or Dad. Many times have friends of my children moved on as they emptied their house on post to return to a hometown that will always miss something and always carry a reminder of someone lost.

War and children are nothing new nor will their perverse marriage ever end as long as Daddies are needed to fight an enemy legitimate or not. To think that we will ever end what children know of war is to dream. They know and accept the reality better than most adults; maybe, just maybe they will be the ones whose children have fewer friends that have to move because of an irrevocable loss.

Remember that we were once the children and now the men who fight. Teach the children strength to fight the cruelty of this world we manifest from within as to ensure that it never evolve into the next war.

Finally Starting to Fix What is Broken.

2008-05-03T12:27:00.000-04:00

I have, for years, told soldiers that if you know how something works you'll know how to fix it. The Army Center for Enhanced Performance came to the Warrior Transition Unit to give a class for the Cadre. ACEP, to anyone inclined to think so, would find it to be some touchy feely California fluff. When the hard numbers came out though, even accupuncture was, for lack of a better word, bunked.

For years soldiers and their psychology have been removed to the "stop being a pussy" shelf while families and children suffered for it. The culture of Alpha males is being reworked as we come to accept that we are all wired differently. Training is easy, believe it or not killing is easy, killing with purpose is even easier. Dealing with the residue is hard.

I and every member of the Armed Services live 9/11 and Iraq every day. Every appointment, class, manual, briefing, and range is not for readiness its preparedness. You will go, have gone, or are preparing to go again.

A man can take so much. Camels backs seem to be the number one injured body part in todays army.

ACEP using imaging, goal setting, relaxation techniques, and attention control backed by hard research numbers and used in conjunction with more traditional therapies have given soldiers like me avenues we would have poo poo'd in the past.

Books like On Combat and On Killing have brought the reality of psychological combat trauma to the eyes of the brass up top. This non new age approach to psychology and its reality is akin to the acceptance of chiropractic therapy without that lifeforce nonsense tacked on.

We are a different war, more importantly we are a different world. We accept certain Truths as real while filtering out fluff. Just as Galileo demystified the night sky so today is modern medicine finding fact in what before was only a Platonic TRUTH.

How Long Will It Last or This Is/Is This the End.

2008-04-06T19:45:00.000-04:00

After 9/11 the American flag industry went into a golden age of profits. Homes, cars, T-shirts, and beer bottles were covered in red white and blue. If you didn't have a flag somewhere in your possession you may as well be a card-carrying member of the bin-Laden Fan Club.

Six years and seven months later the car flags have torn and been discarded, you moved and just haven't gotten around to putting up the flag again, and everyone is sick of the war. Even the fervent right and their attempt to demonize Obama for not wearing a flag pin had that exorcised quickly.

This is not a pro-flag/anti-flag rant. It is about our short memory.

Remember when the Vietnam vets were finally getting some respect in the 80s. By 1990 they were being seen as a throwback to the Cold War. By 1995 Somalia and Desert Storm vets were being forced out of an ever-shrinking military that was finding any way to get rid of them.

My question to you now is how long will it last. Right now every company gives boo-boo band-aid gifts of sneakers and boxes of Lunchables while soldiers still have serious medical and financial issues from deploying. Ten years from now what will we be giving. Will the USO have the money to have something as simple as a sandwich for the soldier returning from Korea. Will the free goodies be all they are given so the givers can walk away (3:10 to Yuma reference) or will the schooling, VA benefits, retirement monies, and public sympathy be gone followed by a "What more do you want" attitude.

Remember this in 2012 when this war is, hopefully, over and the PTSD, injuries, and need for benefits catch up to us in spades.

Why Are These Guys Still Around or Liars and Tyrants, and Bears.

2008-02-14T20:14:00.000-05:00

Now that Castro has "quit" I want to ask a question.

WHAT MADE SADDAM WORSE.

Wal Mart whores us out to Chinese Communists while Blackhawk makes tactical gear for guys who fought in the country where their gear is made now...Vietnam.

Africa bleeds and Africans lose arms and lives while we "go to Jared."

Pakistan helped make Bin Laden while hoping to make India glow in the dark. India has made an entire class of "untouchables" to touch sewage and corpses while they outsource the outsourced.

We trade with theocrats and fanatics, war with same, make them richer, and wave off the attacks because Mexicans are a danger to security.

We buy from companies that sent our father's and grandfather's jobs away while we still buy their crap products made by untrained and uncaring workers.

We are better than this. Theodore Roosevelt once said he would drive every colonial power out of this hemisphere by bayonet point. That's who we are. The people who would starve before whoring ourselves out to be comfortable. The people who would die rather than give in to a nicety from our captor.

Let's be the America, again, that makes those poor and oppressed in those countries listed above look at us as an example. We're still that America, we have it in our blood and we must let it out.

Vet's, let's be the ones to start it. Let's show the rest of America why we did it. Not for Bush, not for Iraq, but for America.

A Real G.I. Bill or Me Want To Learn To Be More Smarter.

2008-02-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

I have never been a lover of the 50s. The music was vapid, the clothes showed the repression of the age, we shipped off our pregnant daughters to far off relatives, and we actually believed that Ozzie and Harriet was realistic. I will say that the 50s had one great thing...

A NATION OF EDUCATED VETERANS.

The WWII G.I. Bill gave you 100% tuition. No paying for books, lab fees. boarding. nothing. We produced thousands upon thousands of educated men who also had a wartime experience to temper their thoughts and give them experience. In 1047 over 49% of college students were vets.

The 50s were filled with prosperity and innovation due, in large part, to the education of those who gave a part of their lives so we could have all of ours.

Today I work with veterans, like myself, who talk of leaving our home states because they have little to no education benefits. We pay for books on minimum wage jobs. We try to go to school on active duty while our units go to the field and war because it is free while you're in. Many fail and give up trying. We give a huge piece of ourselves to this country and its people while the fanatics on both sides look at us with the "what more do you want" face. Our jobs, founded by WWII vets, are finding their way to India and China as we vote our economic interests away because we think "he kicks ass."

America wake up. Give us a least a piece of what we gave you. We will build jobs, factories, homes, and lives. We will do what vets in the past did and build us up to what we fought for. Vote for the half million of us who lost something in this war and you will gain from us. We did it so you wouldn't have to. That would be the best way to thank us.

Forced Patriotism, American Flags, Cuba, Texas, and The Confederacy or Alright, We Get it "Go America."

2008-01-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

Driving through parts of Texas is like a Ford and flag plant next to each other exploded. I see a guy with Ford F-350 Super Duty Lariat with duelies and a Triton V-10 on a six-inch lift driving with a six by eight foot American flag jammed into the tow hitch on back. As I pass him in my obviously non-masculine Jeep he has the standard issue Jesus fish, NRA badge, yellow ribbon magnets, and huge bass sticker on the back window and I wonder. What has he done to make himself so proud of America.

America is a great country, we evolve and change as needed. Sometimes we don't. I couldn't give him the benefit of the doubt so I figured he, as most over-patriots, wasn't a combat vet. Did he want some form of health care, did he do the Christian thing and help the homeless and the coloreds of his town. Did he hate Mexicans and brown immigrants. When was the last time he actually did something for his state, community, or people. I figured the Toby Keith CD he bought last week helped stimulate the economy.

Was he the kind who said that the Founding Fathers would be appalled at the America they would see today. Did he teach evolution or Invisible Manism to his kids. Did his donations to charity equal what he spent in the gas tank of his truck. Did he even realize his truck was one of the reasons we pay what we pay for gas. Did he hate the queers and the liberals. How many times did he rejoice in the death of someone who he didn't agree with. He may not be in the Minutemen but he likes that "They're keeping them out."

As his truck thundered onto the highway and he passed me with a douchbag frat boy smirk about him I remembered that I have to accept him too. Even if he is a drain and not a benefit.

As for the combat vet part, if you have given nothing directly back to your country by either serving the Government, community, charity, schools, cops, firemen, or anything else civil service related you haven't learned what it is to appreciate what it means to earn the right to be able to fly that flag.

Educating the world...again.

2008-01-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

Tell me what you think.

Ya Got Me!

2008-01-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

My last post gave my reasons for quitting. Finger in the dike. Since then I have had dozens of e-mails and comments asking why why why. I said to myself about a week after posting it that if I reached 6500 profile views by the New Year I would write again. I'm at 6,597. I have had several media outlets write as well to get my reasons why.

Many of you wrote, some madder than hell about it. Some of you seemed to be glad. Either way I had a response I would have never expected. I want to thank you all for taking the time to show me you actually read and have an interest in what one soldier has to say.

So lock up your daughters and come back in a few days for more.

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long but better than not burning at all.

I QUIT!

2007-11-09T20:51:00.000-05:00

Band of Bloggers did it. This is the last time I get overlooked as one of the bloggers that came to fame because of Iraq. The documentaries and news bits in minor newspapers are not enough to make the effort for the 2 people a month who now e-mail me.

If anyone cares to hear more go to the media whores and glory-hounds of the new bloggers. The ones e-mailing me about book deals and movie rights.

If you can all give me a reason to continue to be abused by the wanna-bes and the Johnny-Come-Lately's, I will.

Goodbye.

HOME FOR AN EMERGENCY. BE BACK NEXT WEEK.

2007-11-03T16:48:00.000-04:00

Good Night, Sleep Tight, Don't Let The Head Bugs Bite.

2007-10-10T20:55:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it's a clonapin, sometimes it's Nyquil, and sometimes it's a 12 ounce sleeping pill, but for the last 15 months I have had trouble sleeping. Tired and worn I get into bed and roll around like a log in a flume. I have had dreams of my friends bored and terrified in Iraq. I've had dreams of the bodies of friends who died while I stayed here. I have screamed in my sleep and kicked my poor wife in countless battles far removed from my bedroom.

In the back half of last month First Battalion Twenty-Third Infantry Regiment of the Third Brigade Second Infantry Division, the Army's First Stryker Brigade, came home from their second tour in Iraq. As the first time weary from mission, raids, salvation of other units at the behest of higher command, and innumerable survived attacks, they came home.

Three and a half months longer than the last and at least twice as stressful, they came home to their families, friends, and for some their empty rooms and full bottles.

I have heard from some, I wish to hear from more, but knowing they're home makes my bed warmer, and makes the chemicals that lull me less necessary. I'll need them again soon. But for now they are content with just being here and I'll share it with them 2,000 miles away.

When they need to close the gate to the flume that jostles them in their sleep the same names will come to their minds. Let's hope that we all never NEED any of them.

Terror, Treason, and Dates or Not All Freedom Fighters are Terrorists.

2007-10-08T08:48:00.000-04:00

We have this wonderful analogy from the leftist ultra-lunatics that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers were terrorists just like the criminals we're fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. First let me give you the battlefield hierarchy.

1. Soldiers - Members of an organized military belonging to a recognized government that are authorized to wage war on their behalf.

2. Militias - Members of an organized force that has warrant from the government to wage war on its behalf.

3. Guerillas - Members of an organized force with a clear chain-of-command that generally behaves with military discipline and answers to a higher rank and higher leadership.

4. Terrorists - Members of an organization that commit acts against an organized force that results in the death of both those targeted and innocents.

GW and TJ were part of the first three. El Che lovers and the rest of the left who like to support all things non-American were the same ones who used the term "revolutionary" to describe the 18th Century white land-owning males who founded this country. The term was used to describe them as psuedo-communist sympathizers for those guilty white liberals in the campuses of America during a time when the gulags and genocide were something the general public knew nothing about.

The phrase is "Treason is merely a matter of dates." The only thing treason and terrorism have in common is five letters. Being treasonous against Britain and targeting and killing civilians are not the same. To call an Islamo-Fascist a freedom fighter is like calling Che Guevarra a model of righteous revolution. (Remember he was Castro's chief executioner)

Justification of ones beliefs has always driven the wagon of historical inaccuracy forward. I knew a couple of guys who would suck on a bong while talking about how Jesus smoked. The university professor comparing victims to war criminals so he looks learned. The pundit comparing his view to that of Martin Luther King.

I don't speak for men who died 200 years ago and I most certainly don't speak for today's "revolutionaries", but the idea that terrorists and George Washington are the same thing is like saying that Saddam Hussein and 9/11 go together.

What You See, What They See, and What No One Sees or Everyone Who Did Something Feels They Did Nothing.

2007-10-02T20:21:00.000-04:00

I was watching Ken Burns The War and the footage of the Naval battle in the Pacific was playing and I thought "What the hell ship is this guy on that he can film this thing." Then I realized that while I was in battle if there was a break of more than 2 seconds I was watching the battle around me.

Most vets say they didn't do much. Most guys will say that others saw worse, until he remembers what he did and where he was. I had dozens of men in my sights and some fell during the firestorm around me. Not sure if they fell from mine or others but it was more than once, maybe twice, I had men only one ounce of pull away from death. Still I feel like I didn't do enough or as much as others.

The documentary also took me away on one scene where the Kamikaze was flying through the lead wall of flak and it changed color to green filtered and blurred taking me back to the five day siege we laid on Tel Afar. I remembered seeing the AC-130 sending precision death down on terrorist positions while the occasional Delta sniper popped a round here and there surely dropping a stray Hajj' that could run faster than his buddy.

Then I thought of the humility that comes with being part of history, knowing that the 17 years of military service prior to this was never going to be found in any delineation of world events. I had forced myself into a place where, truly, few men go and survive.

We are Jolly Green Giants walking the Earth, with guns.

Seems like we put ourselves where we wanted only to find we never wanted to go back save to be with our friends.

War is an addiction and the only way to get off the wagon is to volunteer to get back on. But, can we really ever go cold turkey. Maybe war is just a way to prove ourselves so we can feel we are the man we thought we could be. Maybe, just maybe soldiers on both sides want another Christmas Truce so we can see that the man on the far side of the trench is a soldier and not a monster. But then again if we didn't fight "monsters" we wouldn't want to kill them.

Oh, So This is What They're Talking About..."P" TSD. Now It Makes Sense.

2007-09-30T23:02:00.000-04:00

I have days when I just laugh out loud at some of the near misses I survived in Iraq. RPGs, IEDs, small arms fire pinging off the ground at my feet. I remember the shrapnel that hit my chest when I was running to the tower after the RPG near-missed a Kiowa helicopter. I remember walking through pitch black fields during no moon nights in Fallujah using only the green-filtered nightmare of what Vietnam vets called a Starlite scope to open the darkness the Hajj' used to hide right beside us. I remember the raids when we'd bust through the smoke and fragments left by the water-impulse charge after blowing the door and entering the room that was usually empty; sometimes it wasn't.

But none of that keeps me up at night.

Jake's face followed by Alcantara, Gummersal, and Khan. Then the blast. John outside crying into the arms of a Platoon Sergeant doing the same. Knowing I wasn't there. Knowing that I had no hope of saving or even seeing his last smile before he called me a fag and went in. Not being there when Hector was shot because of a lazy Iraqi cop mistake and bad commo. Not being there when Strong's legs were blown out from under him as he stood in the hatch pulling security in a place where that phrase is an oxymoron.

Why do those of us who stayed behind, those of us with responsibilities outside the Army, those others who chose lives after Iraq, those of us who still wish to feel the need to be there when it happens yet knowing it could have been us. Why does THIS and not the near-death punctuated blur of combat affect us.

Worse, why do they understand. Why does no one pass judgment. Why does no one say, " You shitbag, you abandoned us."

Both sides have reasons and valid points but what America doesn't understand when they choose a side is that we hold both opinions.

They don't pass judgment, they don't complain, they don't hate because they feel the same as I do, and they would feel the same as me if they were here with me.

So they know I'm feeling without asking...and they'll never ask.

Message/Messenger or Ball of Confusion

2007-08-23T22:31:00.000-04:00

The military and America have had an issue since the Vietnam war. You can't separate the war and its politics from the soldier who enforces those policies. Every soldier you talk to who supports the war tooth and nail believes that the policy of this war and his purpose in it are one in one.

How do we equate one with the other.

Vietnam was a fiasco that killed almost 60,000 Americans for a failed policy. The soldier though was honorable. He won the battles, killed his enemy, and helped civilians in need when able. Iraq sees the same and better from today's Army since we all volunteered. Taking nothing from the Vietnam vet there is a difference in this Army of 2007.

My friends died for US, the Brothers, soldiers. One of them had his family come out on TV after his death and say that he died for our freedom. Iraq and our freedom are like shit and chocolate. Looks the same but, not so much.

WE ran to Iraq to fight against Saddam but the Sudan, Cuba, and China still die in tyranny. For some reason though we follow because America said IRAQ.

YEAH, FUCK THE HAJJ', SAND NIGGER MOTHER FUCKERS.

But what about Cuba, Sudan, China, even Russia.

FUCK THEM THEY CAN FIGHT IF THEY WANT TO BE FREE.

My Brothers in arms, just because the policy is fucked doesn't mean we are. We do our job well. We save our friends and we execute mission as best we can. We save the children from the fire of the enemy and hand them clothing to see them smile. We deliver school supplies to newly educated girls and kill the monsters who would oppress them.

Just admit that we are better than the policies that get our friend killed. We are better than the enemy we fight and that WE are not the policy of the animals making millions off our blood. We have been conned into believing that their policy helps us but none of their children stand next to us as we bleed.

America wake up and see that the con of the elite has taken the poor and taught them to accept the bullshit that they deserve our deaths to line their pockets.

FOOTNOTE:
Muslim extremists still need to die by the way and I still hate Communists.

Another Close One or Lightning Does Strike The Same Place Twice.

2007-08-08T21:15:00.000-04:00

Since the start of this war I have lost 13 men I know personally. Two I knew closely, one actually wrote and wished I was there with him to help carry the conversation. He said it wasn't the same without me.

Those of you out there who have been know the guilt at not going back. Those of us who have been know we could have done nothing regardless of where we were at the time it happened. The cowards weapon used was faceless and nameless. The euphemism HBIED for House Borne Improvised Explosive Device doesn't change the fact that a coward killed four men with a weapon that has no name and no face to fire back upon. Those of us who were there, especially with them, know what this feeling is, what this guilt of survival is.

This is no rant about politics, Bush, or withdrawal, this is about soldiers. We who lost a part of us, left it behind because we chose to. We are stoic on our facade and anguished inside. We feel the loss of one some liked, some loved, some despised, but all remember.

"We set out to save the Shire Sam, but not for me."

Those of you who have been should know what this means. Especially after something like this you are reminded. We never left and we feel every death as if it was our own. Those who were close only make the tears stream down longer.

SSG JAKE THOMPSON

SGT NICK GUMMERSALL

SPC JUAN ALCANTARA

SPC KAREEM R. KAHN

Blackhawk Company 1-23 Infantry Battalion.

Killed by a House Borne Improvised Explosive Device in Iraq on 6 August 2007

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU.

Charlie Foxtrot Films Lives or Finally, Joes Get a Say.

2007-08-05T16:55:00.000-04:00

CHARLIE FOXTROT FILMS
The film page.

WWW.MYSP ACE.COM/DONHAIBI
New images from the graphic novel.

For years Hollywood has had the market on war flicks and has the world by its collective political balls. Years ago I spoke of how the soldiers of this war aren't all going to be basket cases, how we and many other soldiers the world over are professionals.

Many of us have voiced frustration about this and finally a group of us are doing something about it.

Go to the links above to see what we are doing to make the world see that we are not all crazy, baby-killing, blood-thirsty, or otherwise mentally defective. We are men and women who do what others won't. We lose lives and parts of lives. We fight for each other not for politicos. We inspire and uplift. Our families sacrifice as much or more than even the most wounded man. Our children are always proud that their mom or dad is the person others dream to be.

The politics of all wars are and forever will be bullshit but soldiers are professionals.

We will show you this. In Spring 2008 the graphic novel City of Fire will be published and Pre-production on the film will commence.

CHARLIE FOXTROT FILMS

INSPIRED BY HEROES!

Bullshit Word Games or Anti-Semantic Doesn't Mean You Hate Jews.

2007-07-19T20:47:00.000-04:00

Warrior, insurgent, terrorism, hero. The new military lexicon. Words with ancient and mythic meanings that have been cheapened and made a word of political expedience.

WARRIOR. Now, according to the new Army, we are all warriors. I once said that anyone who calls themselves a member of Generation X never did anything to be a part of Generation X. Same here. Warrior is an action verb not a proper noun. There is no need to convince a warrior of what he is.. They make themselves, they are not made. Actions form the man that becomes the warrior not some fly-by-night poem taught to trainees who can barely hold a weapon much less understand the difference between a vet and a warrior.

INSURGENT. I was in the library on post here at Ft Sam Houston and it bears the name of a medic who died of wounds in Vietnam while saving others and was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his actions. In the citation below his photo it referred to the Viet Cong as "insurgents." First time I have ever heard that used for them. I have read dozens of Vietnam books and hundreds of stories and that was a first. I asked the librarian how old that frame was, she said about a year and a half. Just about the time we figured out that Iraq was not a good idea.

TERRORISM. All crime by a non-'merican is now terrorism or an opening for terrorism. (especially the brown ones)

HERO. My favorite one. A truck driver is not a hero. A cook is not a hero. A soldier who never left the FOB is not a hero. The support Joe that taped his magazine well shut to keep out dirt is not a hero. The soldiers I met today at the Center for the Intrepid here at Sam are heroes. Missing limbs. skin, and self yet becoming more themselves than they ever imagined. That is a hero.

Word play is only as good as the idiot you get to believe it...and we idiots have let ourselves believe it for far too long.

Ghost Face, Zombie, Green, or Freeze or When the Reality Sets In

2007-07-15T10:55:00.000-04:00

Lots of people say they want to go to war. Some people watch too many movies. Many join and are just where they need to be. You never know how you're going to react to something until that something happens. Most who join are exactly who they think they are and the fact that they came in shows their worth. The sight of the reality for the first time though is where you find your place. For others the sight of the reality may take you back to somewhere you don't want to be again.

I was at the hospital the other day with two new privates who were doing their clinical training for AIT. A soldier from the 82nd was there who had been RPG'd the week before and had a mangled left arm that had been flayed open and reassembled. His wrist had been shattered, the skin on the back of his hand was macerated from the past week of sweat and ointments that covered his arm. The staples and stitches snaked around the extremity delineated with blood and bruising. We cleaned, dressed and splinted his arm as the two newbies watched in confusion and wonder. Three surgeons and myself hovered over this soldier as he wailed and moaned through squeezed lips. I wiped blood as we pulled staples and the wounds opened and leaked as we tried to give this kid some of his old life back. He'll be fine but he wont be himself, neither will the two newbies.

I turned to them when we were done, the soldier sitting in his wheelchair waiting for the pain to subside using his thumb and index finger to push his eyes into his head. The two looked shocked but not frozen. I pulled the bloody gloves off and made sure to throw it away in the can behind them.

"You have an opportunity most new soldiers never get, this is the reality of it gentlemen. This is what you're going to see." They nodded and understood. One couldn't take his eyes off the soldier.

I was proud. I helped three soldiers with the war that day. One who knew it all too well, and two who now know it for the first time...and those two'll be fine but never again themselves.

We Are NOT America or Slice of Life.

2007-07-08T12:06:00.001-04:00

You listen to all the talking heads, the Hannity's and the panderers and they say America is well represented in that welfare state we call the military.

The military could never be like America or we would never win a single fight. America is designed to make a society of individuals. The greatness of each man and his idea. The land where the crackpot could get off a boat just after rocking it and conquer. It is a system designed for the selfish to flourish.

The military is a place where you are nothing but a part of a machine that runs off the blood of a group not an individuals right to exist. We have thousands of people who, collectively, are willing to die for whatever ideal they joined for.

Economics, family, god, country, college money, whatever it is those in the service would die to have those things. Most Americans wouldn't die to defend their own lives. American's are selfish because our founders allowed this right to exist. We could isolate ourselves in the country or in our apartment, hate all those we work with, get fat and lazy, retire happily, and die unknown. The military works off an almost communist, collective mindset where an individual is only important as a part of the whole.

If the military was a slice of America it would be a better place than it is now. If the military was a slice of America you would die for the man in the cubicle three rows down even though you only say hi to him when you pass each other getting coffee. We would stop to help out that person in need even though it would make us late, and our bosses would understand. If the military was a slice of America we would be who we were on the morning of September 12 and never again since.

Ask yourself why you applaud the soldier in the airport, do you agree with the war. Why do you buy him a drink, do you want to be seen with a hero. Why do you shake his hand and thank him. Maybe you realize that no one else will do what he does...including you.

For the fallen on Memorial Day.

2007-05-27T21:05:00.001-04:00

For those who have given, we receive.

For those who have died, we will live.

For those who will never return, we thank you for our home.

For those who are now emotionless, we love.

For those who have remembered, we give you memories.

For those who have no one, we give ourselves.

For those who are wounded, we give care.

For those who lost loved ones, we will love them.

For those whose friends are gone, we befriend them.

For those who lost spouses, we give comfort.

For those who lost children, ours are forever the better.

Thank you Tomahawks, come home Brothers.

I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER.

Memorial Day 2007 or Another Day to Act Like We Remember.

2007-05-25T14:40:00.000-04:00

Beer, vacation, BBQ, and driving. This is what you all see when the 4-day weekend comes up. How many of you will truly remember.

How many of you will look back at days like D-Day, Chosin Resevoir, Tal Afar, and Baghdad.

How many of you will sit with others and remember those who died so you could buy your H1.

How many of you will remember that guy from work whose son died during Desert Storm.

How many of you REALLY care.

This isn't to make you fell bad if you do truly remember. But while the all-volunteer force does what a draft use to bring into every home go out and bitch about the gas prices that rise as you buy more F-350s and Hummers. Bitch about Bush and don't vote. And ramble on about soldiers and memories that will fade into history as so many have.

Have a good time this weekend, but while you're drinking over the grill and watching TV remember that uncle you haven't seen in years and call him. Ask him about the war and why his whole world was shaped by that one mission. He'll know the one, all vets have one.

Happy Memorial Day.

SSG Steven H. Bridges, 33, of Tracy, Calif.

SPC Joseph M. Blickenstaff, 23, of Corvallis, Ore.

SPC Christopher J. Rivera Wesley, 26, of Portland, Ore.

SPC Michael M. Merila, 23, of Sierra Vista, Ariz.

PVT Bradli N. Coleman, 19, of Ford City, Pa.

SGT Jacob H. Demand, 29, of Palouse, Wash.

SPC Kenneth M. Cross, 21, of Superior, Wisconsin

PFC Daniel G. Dolan, 19, of Roy, Utah

SGT Lucas T. White, 28, of Moses Lake, Wash.

SPC Justin R. Garcia, 26, of Elmhurst, N.Y.

SSG Hector Leija, 27, of Houston, Texas

Living the War for Another Tour or Survivor's Guilt...Again.

2007-05-19T12:10:00.000-04:00

Fourth Brigade Two I.D. is in Baghdad along side 3rd Brigade breaking in their new Strykers. They've already lost a few soldiers including a few Tomahawks from 2-23 Infantry. This wears on me. I have friends in 4th Brigade who were pulled over from us right after we got home. One buddy who was in my Platoon sent me a message over the instant messenger at 2 a.m. saying "It's crazy over here."

The numbers get smaller for me as new units deploy. Guys get out, they move on to other units, they don't care anymore and lose contact with the rest of us, but there are enough still running around that we all still have a stake in this fight. Whether emotional or physical the connection to this war is carried inside always. Civilians will never understand and I now know why the Vietnam vet's have so many issues with the War and it's legacy.

What if we lose.

All of us, the shooters, the Sailors, Airmen, and Marines will forever have the guilt of being on the losing side of a misguided policy. We will carry the unnecessary loss of friends who ran head-long into the shit feeling they were doing the right thing. We all felt the call that Toby Keith makes millions off of. We were to be the liberators, and we were, but something went wrong. The civilians of this country are a fickle bunch and the policy of victimhood will be tacked onto us as having been used.

We do this for America not Washington. We do this for the hope that we will be the 24-hour mini-series on PBS in 30 years and have children from those liberated nations meet us in a parade in Washington and thank us for what we did. We do it for each other.

My friends still die for better for worse. This is not a condemnation of bad policy or political bullshit. This is a cementing of friendship and comradery as we all, those left here again, feel the loss, know the names, remember the hours of joking and laughing with these men we've lost, and hope the next name published is not one we know.

Boxing, Racism, and Immigration or 21st Century Niggers Revisited.

2007-05-08T22:26:00.000-04:00

In December 2004 I put up a rant about how we Spics are the new niggers for all you racist scumbags out there. This seems to be the verification of that rant put up over two years ago.

Last week I went out with the family to watch the de la Hoya-Mayweather fight. As soon as I walked in I saw the obvious. Dozens of Mexicans and other Hispanics were there rooting for de la Hoya. But every White guy and Black guy was screaming for Mayweather. When the fight ended in a split decision favoring Mayweather of course his fans went wild while we all sat silent and disappointed. (2 points) A White guy in his wanna-be Black gear on ran out screaming "That's how we do it, that's how we do it." Dress shirt untucked, dirty blue jean wearing, backward baseball cap, Bud Light drinking douchebag ran through proudly screaming as if he had beat de la Hoya down after catching him talking to his sister.

Now I know what you're all going to say, I was cheering de la Hoya. It just seems funny that the douchbag was the kind of guy you saw in the RV in Borat. Get enough beer in him and he'll say nigger and mean it. But since it's 2007 and it's cool to be a wanna-be, he can say "They were born here."

He's the guy who's anti-immigration but bitches about Unions and their control over high wages. He's the guy who is anti-abortion but wont pay taxes to fund schools and health care. He hates Gays but loves Jesus. He likes the Black guys at work because they don't get mad when he tells Black jokes because he changed the word nigger to Mexican.

He's pro-Bush and loves the war, listens to Toby Keith, drives an F-350 to his job 5 miles away, bitches about gas prices, hates fags, goes to church, calls his girlfriend his "bitch", and didn't produce a damn thing but he votes to tell us what to do with our bodies, schools, taxes, and 21st century niggers.

Just remember something Zeke, while your relatives were still fucking sheep we had landed here, conquored and given most of the land the Spanish names you kept and butchered. Go to Taco Bell after your next bowl.

Arriba los Latinos!

Leaving Yet Never Leaving or How a "B" Movie Shaped My Thoughts.

2007-04-26T01:20:00.000-04:00

"I wish I was at Bragg now."

The words of John Rambo in First Blood while on the radio with COL Trautman as he was stalked by millions of evil police officers and National Guardsman (who are in Iraq now.)

I am leaving Ft Lewis on Friday 27 April 2007. I arrived on 7 April 2003. When I got here I was a new medic with experience as an infantryman and an NCO. I joined in 1986 and between Air Force and Army I missed every war, conflict, and police action we found ourselves in. Here I became a part of Army history. Strykers were more than a new truck with sexy computers and eight wheels, it was a unit concept. Soldiers down to the individual level were given responsibility to make decisions and execute. We went out to save whole cities and rescue brigades with only a company of men. One-hundred and fifty to save five thousand.

Straight-up killers.

Men trained better than the Army could alone because we had Delta, SF, Rangers, and just plain thugs within our ranks. Our experience came from others and the missions that straight leg companies never see. Those who have only known this unit have no idea what this was and still is. But we were the best. When a brigade is chopped into companies to save the whole country you are as good as you think you are. You are the guy every other guy thinks he is.

"I wish I was at Bragg now."

Now I'm going off to pogue land after having the best stand next to me and both teach and learn. I'm going to a place where the "inside-the-wire" soldiers hear gunfire and tell lies to the girls back home. I'm going to a place where play warriors display their "badges"and brag about how they earned it by being shot at. I'm going to a place that isn't here.

Worst of it all is that I wont be here when they get back. I have the six black wristbands for the nine friends that have died displayed on the roll bar of my Jeep because it's too much to wear. Hopefully in the five months they have left I wont need to mail off for a new known name. All I know is...

"I wish I was at Bragg now."

Iraq, Virginia, Guns, School Shootings and the Suburbs or We're Only Shocked When the Blood Stains Lily White.

2007-04-19T00:56:00.000-04:00

Opening Statement:
What happened in Virginia is a horrific tragedy that should be worked as best we can to heal the victims both physical and psychological. Guns were used but the maniac was the criminal. We don't ban cars because of drunk drivers or stop making the Toyota Camry because it's the number one stolen car in America (I think).

Are American children and innocents better than soldiers and Iraqi children. For years we have heard of car bombings and suicide bombers killing up to hundreds at a time only to see the wailing mother or occasional stiff in the road surrounded by cops and flies.

When a soldier dies you hear of 5 Marines dead or 5 die in a convoy. When prissy, dainty, overprotected brats die in what we and Iraqi's see every day it's suddenly a tragedy. I know we volunteered and Iraqi's have no choice now; but how can you all sit for hours watching the Alphabet Networks talk of this horrible act of violence and spend days talking to witnesses and professors and family and students when Joe doesn't even get a mention acknowledging he has a name.

The only two places I have seen or heard a dirt chewers name is on Nightline when Ted Koppel would list the names of all who died every year on Memorial Day and National Public Radio that does 5 minute pieces on soldiers killed.

Some dyed-in-the-wool Republicans call this anti-war or demoralizing. If anything this brings America into the war and puts a face on this all-volunteer force we let fight as others shop. Read below and know how I feel about the yellow ribbons and false patriotism we all feel as we shop, get fat, buy "patriotic" Country Music albums, and let the force fight without even noticing.

KEEP SHOPPING, GO TO McDONALDS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF ICE IN YOUR DRINK, BUY HUMMERS AND F-350's, LEAVE ALL THE LIGHTS ON, BUT MOST OF ALL...DON'T READ.

Rednecks, Forced Patriotism, Immigrants, Sacrifice, and Toby Kieth or George Bush Kicks Nothing.

2007-04-09T12:54:00.000-04:00

I think one of the funniest lines I've ever heard is "George Bush Kicks ass." I guess like he did in Vietnam. The again who hasn't made a mistake they regret, not saying he does...or doesn't.

I think those who call for armed invasion could only kick ass if we fought a nation of paper targets or deer.

I think people who fly over-sized American flags have no idea what it means or have trouble counting the amount of stripes on the Flag.

I think immigrants are better Americans than we are. We are so not by choice don't fool yourself. If this was 300 years ago most of you would be screaming "Viva la France."

I think Americans are lazy and ungrateful. When the war goes into WWII mode and the "go spend money" attitude stops dripping out of Washington's spit valve AND we lose some of our identity to win this thing then we'll be ourselves.

I think country music stars are taking advantage of naive Joes and selling something they know nothing about. Just because your "gran' pappy" was in the Great War doesn't make you any more patriotic than that protester who reads the Constitution or burns the flag.

I think that maybe we should teach what America really is instead of taking the word of the left and right and their attempt to guarantee their next 2 years of pay.

Start getting mad America, start getting pissed and read first, listen second, but act at last. Use your minds not your feelers.

This Sums Up My Thoughts Completely About Everything.

2007-03-24T23:31:00.000-04:00

"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy course, who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

THEODORE ROOSEVELT

When Do You Get the Feeling You're Doing Something Wrong or My Peeps, Yo.

2007-03-08T21:55:00.000-05:00

I love to find useless pieces of Army history. I was just browsing around on the heraldic pages on the Army sites and found a page that gives you the order of medals and ribbons for the last 100 or so years. I found this and Iraq jumped right into my head.

One Hundred years ago American troops occupied Cuba after the Spanish-American War. My Grandfather was 8 years old and a citizen of Spain since he was born in 1895, my Grandmother having been born in 1900 was born an American citizen since Cuba was under American governance at the time.

There was an uprising and the people of Cuba basically said..."Thanks for liberating us, get out." See America wanted a cooperative state that would play ball with U.S. interests. Hey everybody has to look out for number one right. So Cuba did as America did. The War against Spain was so important to Cubans and the hatred of Spaniards so great that Columbus (buried in Cuba) was dug up and sent back to Spain. Also during the many revolutions in Cuba each leader said that this would not be like 1898.

My whole time in Iraq I spoke to dozens of English-fluent Iraqi's and they all said..."Thank you for liberating us...get out." I don't like the "idea" of turning tail and running, that's not what this is. The Iraqi's have been liberated, they have Hussein dead and their own government no matter how fledgling and infantile it is. By staying they will become militant, by staying we breed anger, by staying we perpetuate the idea that we know better than you (you know, like the left.)

If by chance Iraq goes into the toilet let's hand the blame to them. I love the idea of staying to help but it seems like it's not helping. We "helped" in Cuba and bred Castro. We "helped" in Iran and made the Shah and Khomeni. We "helped" in Vietnam and they still relish our "defeat." We "helped" in Haiti and placed an ex-priest in as a dictator forcing another fight later. We "helped" in Somalia, the Philipines, China, Lybia, and countless other mini-wars.

I've got an idea...let's help America by helping America. Defend with all fury against the al-Qaida's and real threats. Let's war and kill those who killed us. Let's also make our schools better and our relations in the world better so that when the 9/11's happen again the world will follow the beacon of freedom and demoracy we once thought we were...and are far from being now.

By the way, don't get me wrong. I just reenlisted for 4 more because we are still the greatest country in the world and I will war for it again if called.

The Closest Yet.

2007-01-25T22:40:00.000-05:00

SSG HECTOR LEIJA.

BLACKHAWK COMPANY

FIRST BATTALION, TWENTY-THIRD INFANTRY REGIMENT OF THE ARMY'S FIRST STRYKER BRIGADE

OIF 2003 2004

OIF 2006 2007

DIED OF WOUNDS 24 JANUARY 2007 FROM A SNIPERS BULLET IN BAGHDAD IRAQ NEAR HAIFA STREET.

If ever a man had no enemies it was him. When I hear an American died I always wonder if in 2 days I'll see a name or get a phone call. Now I'm making the phone calls and touching base with the old Company.

There are people you've never called and generally don't like but shared a baptism together that no religion can promise or would offer. Names have passed and we always say that any death is painful. But the closer it is the reevaluation and understanding of ones beliefs is either cemented or crumbled.

My friend Hector was jovial, bright, entertaining, and a pleasure to be around. He never said a bad thing to anyone unless it was a joke. He led soldiers and best of all they followed willingly. His presence in a room instantly made everyone feel the fun was going to begin and he brought it out of us

Hector you will be missed, you will be remembered, and you will forever be a Tomahawk and a friend.

New York Times Account of that Day.

For my guys over there...

SHOOT STRAIGHT, SHOOT FIRST, PROTECT THE INNOCENT AND PUNISH THE DESERVING!

No Life Cheese Dicks or "I've Never Seen Such a Big Bottle of Haterade."

2007-01-10T00:30:00.000-05:00

I usually don't respond to hate mail or comments but the last few days have been funny. I have received several e-mails and comments from "soldiers" claiming to be on active duty.

For those of you who can't live with the fact that someone is going to get a little well known from something they do well you may just have to deal with it and go back home to get a job at the same factory your old man did. Maybe all of you had to join the military because you could do nothing else.

I served from 1986 to 1991 then got out as an NCO and decided to come back in leaving my life in Miami behind in 2001. I wasn't rich but I was far from poor. I watched the towers go down and decided that was the time to do it all over again. my friend Joe did it with me as well but he stayed an 11B and now walks with a cane thanks to an Iraqi mortar.

I am an NCO, I have had responsibility over dozens of soldiers, was a team leader as an 11B, I am a squad leader again, and earned the right to:

1. say whatever I want, welcome to America....redneck.
2. reenlist (as I have done already twice) and go back (as I will this year) and lead my soldiers that I have trained for a year.
3. write about it and let America know what is going on outside of what CNN and Fox News says
4. Read FM 6-22 (FM 22-100 was changed last year...fucko) and use its lessons to better my troops.
5. make a buck in the process on something I do well and love to do. Maybe you could get a job fucking sheep.

If anyone has a problem write back and let me know. Since you are all anonymous I guess you're all cooks or mechanics or NBC or signal or one of the other soft MOSs that never leaves the wire and never will, in their hearts, know what seeing combat is like, being a REAL soldier is, or seeing a friend writhe in pain from a wound recieved in a fight and not just in an accident.

Like I said, I don't normally deal with you shit stains that want to hate but this deal I have will make me damn near no money (read about comic book sales) and we are working with Wounded Warrior because I have too many friends dealing with them.

Have a nice career in the motor pool...POGUE.

Love,
COMBAT DOC!!!!

P.S. I know you're a pogue because the term DOC is an infantry term used for the medic. That name was given to me by my Platoon Sergeant.

BIG KISS.

10 Years of Backwards Steps or Carl We Miss You.

2006-12-22T00:38:00.000-05:00

When I was 15 I was in a science class in the 9th grade and we were having another film day. The teacher told us to take notes because there would be a test the next day. When the film started on the rickety school projector it was Travellers Tales from Carl Sagan's Cosmos. I closed my notebook and sat back to enjoy the film. My teacher came over and told me to take notes. I said I didn't need to since I had read the book and taken notes on my own. He stopped the projector and ordered me to take notes. I explained again and he sent me to the office telling me I had to produce these notes the next day or face an F.

The next day I was there with the 3-ring binder full of notes and drawings I had made and the teacher had to take it. He was enfuriated.

That was 1982. Two years before my entire way of thinking changed when PBS broadcast Cosmos. I have since read every book Carl Sagan has published and my wife bought me Cosmos on dvd. If you can wear out a dvd I will do it to Cosmos.

That is the man the world lost 10 years ago on December 20th. A man that could get a 13 year old to sit intently and take notes on a documentary. The man that looked at mankind and said be brave and don't look at the negative future. We can be better, we can be greater than we are now.

I want all of you to read the following and take it for what it is. Politics, religion, science, everything can be analyzed with the...

Baloney Detection Kit

www.carlsagan.com

We miss you.

And Once Again Fame Comes to the Members of Blackhawk Company 1-23 Infantry.

2006-12-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

www.charliefoxtrotfilms.com

This is the link to the company that has called on me for help. I am writing a script for a film named City if Fire about the 24 June incident in Iraq that centers around Mosul and the battle of Blackhawk Company.

Before initial productionof the film, that will be directed by Dale Dye , we will be releasing a comic book based on the script and then a series following that will chronicle the whole deployment.

Go to the archives of this blog to read about 24 June. Scroll down and there will be the description from my diary and accompanying pic's.

Luck to us. We want to tell a REAL Iraq story not some made up movie garbage and not told by non-combat vets or civilians.

READ, BUY, LOVE.

Oh My Damn...I Love It.

2006-12-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

You so have to watch this if you agree with the whole Combat Doc is an atheist. It's called...

KEEP YOUR JESUS OFF MY PENIS.

Ha, I'm an asshole. Yay me.

Our Hero on NPR's This I Believe or 26 Years for the First Dream.

2006-11-13T18:31:00.000-05:00

I started listening to NPR in 1981 when they aired the radio dramatization of StarWars and Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy. I always heard those serious, dignified voices giving opinions about things I didn't yet understand and cultures of America that were far removed from the Cuban Miami I grew up in. I always dreamed of being one of the voices reading something on the air that I had written.

Well, here it is.

and another to the This I Believe home page.

Now all I need to do is start getting paid for it and I can be a normal person again.

Thanks and keep coming back for the rest of the diary and more pictures from my Southwest Asian Vacation.

No Real Veteran's Day.

2006-11-10T17:06:00.000-05:00

We're not going to have any Armistice Day or Christmas Eve cease fire. No VE or VJ day. No Saigon Embassy escape filled with the drama of bodies falling from the last flight out. No made up parades filled with the "I'm Sorry's" of a lost and confused generation of dogmatic kids. No made up parade from a generation of guilt for a war that really wasn't. A parade that was made just to appease the ghosts of a war that really was.

No 9/11 sympathies from families who lost or friends who grieve.

This war, like the First World War, will get a look back by those who stood up at home from their point of comfort with their banners and ribbons and say "What more do you want, we supported you during." That comfort is one of knowing that you have or will lose nothing.

A political noose has hanged all those involved. They kick and gasp and scream out their opinions before the inevitable death of whatever time their words mattered. Then on to the next opinion-du-jour.

Once it ends though, all that will be left will be the bodies of the survivors who have to live with the politics, rhetoric, dogma, religious political fervor from those who really did nothing, and lies from all sides. Not lies of policy, but of support. A support of political convenience. Convenience to avoid peers, neighboors, friends, politicos, and family regardless of side.

The "benefits" will be cut, the families will stay poor, the sons and daughters will never truly come home, and another generation will give all to a country that will one day forget.

Maybe that's why we do it. So you can all have the luxury of forgeting.

To a Happy VI Day that will never be.

Life in This Man's Modern Army or The Shit You Get Use To...Again.

2006-11-06T23:50:00.000-05:00

Over the last few months I've been participating in some things that no one should be forced to learn to deal with no matter how necessary they are.

As you drive through post you find the flag at half-mast several times a month.

As I have said before, when you leave the gate and you see the local news truck broadcasting from a remote feed there's a good chance someone you know died.

When units redeploy home it may be just dumb luck or planning but the artillery practice stops.

The uneven cracks of weapons fire sounds another funeral detail practicing for the unwanted inevitable.

I only wear five of the eight names I know now on black wristbands. As much as I would like to encumber myself with ALL their names five bracelets is against reg's.

I see real vets sitting quiet as toy soldiers brag about their time inside the wire. The vets face shows they don't need to brag.

Class A uniforms are inspected more often than before for the funeral you WILL go to one day.

I drive by formations of rainbow colors mingled with the digital patterns of the new Strong Army. It's another unit leaving. You can hear the babies crying over their mothers as Dad leaves...again.

The chapel is busier than usual as memorials precede hasty weddings with just Ma and Pa and his drinking buddies from the unit.

And at the end Joe is either pro or anti Iraq, pro or anti Bush/(insert Democrat here), or pro or anti war until he goes into the Box. After that he just doesn't give a shit either way.

THE RETURN OF OUR HERO.

2006-11-04T15:09:00.000-05:00

New posts coming over the next few days. I have been preping for the next deployment and working like a Roman galley slave.

That's Never a Good Sign or More Fallen Tomahawks.

2006-08-29T21:46:00.000-04:00

I was leaving the front gate with the family on the way get something to eat. I saw the remote truck for the local CBS news station outside the fenceline and instantly knew, another soldier fell. Using my PDA phone I went to the Stryker Brigade News site and found their names.

SPC Kenneth M. Cross and PFC Daniel G. Dolan, both from the 1st Battalion 23rd Infantry Regiment. My old unit.

I have a sad luxury as a medic, everyone in the Battalion has come throught the aid station at one time or another. I know every face, every name and I hope I don't know any other faces this war.

I already wear two black wristbands for four friends who I lost and I still need two more that I haven't bought yet. Now I have two more names that need black wristbands.

I have an idea for a replacement to the black wristbands but the sad part is why. Instead of wristbands my wife suggested dog tags with names on it since they aren't as cumbersome. The sad part about it is that I have so many names to add to the chain that it would now be cumbersome.

The names will pile up and the black wristbands will sell but in the end the war will weigh us down with jewelry and memories for fallen friends.

TOMAHAWKS!!!

Personal Iraq Diary: 27-29 September 2004

2006-07-22T16:54:00.000-04:00

27 September 2004

A car bomb went off in northern Mosul targeting an ING station killing 4. We heard it go off aroung 1100. Must have been pretty big considering it was 6 to 10 miles away. My blog has been getting a fair bit of attention. I've had about 2,000 hits over the last 3 days and 2 reporters have interviewed me. ( Interview 1) (Interview 2)

I can't believe that Buzzell's blog has gotton so much attention considering how bad he writes. Also today he was ordered to stop writing in his blog as per Brigade.

28 September 2004

Today on a counter-mortar mission a kid came up making a motion like he was pulling a grenade pin with his mouth and pointing to the field. We went over and found what looked like a small anti-personnel mine. We weren't sure until we blew it. We did it because if we had waited for the Iraqi EOD we would have been there over an hour and we really only had a 15 minutes on that patrol and chow was closing soon. It blew a lot bigger than the 4 oz of C-4 we placed on it. Mini mushroom cloud. I guess I was right. I gave the kid a teriyaki MRE, he was happy about it.

29 September 2004

SGT A...... and I are in my room making water impule charges for the breech tonight. We have a raid and I'm going in as well, yay for me. I just thought it was funny that I have 2 chunks of C-4 on my desk and I'm playing with it like play doh. There's also a big wad of det cord next to it.

Raid cancelled, we're going down to Taji.

UPDATE

Since then Buzzell said about my comments on his writing that my opinion is the only one he respects since I am the only one not kissing his ass and actually say his writing sucks. It doesn't suck that bad. I was just bitter.

3rd Brigade Rides Again.

2006-06-28T00:41:00.000-04:00

It was eerie walking through the barracks and seeing no one. It was almost as if they had already left. I knocked on doors and peered in windows and saw no one. Finally I saw one of the Recon squads outside and we started drinking together. Jokes, war comments, and no false bravado from the new guys made me feel strange thinking some of them may not come back. I so didn't want to do it but you couldn't help but wonder if the guy you really get along with was the next black wrist band, the next terrible fashion statement.

Some of the guys had red eyes and warm cell phones from the "girlfriend" call. The real man has that softness in his life that gives him a reason to be tough. Others had an independant air about them as if to say they had or needed no one. The orphaned, the estranged, the tortured soul finds a place where he can make the family of his choosing. We drank and joked; some of them had no idea I wasn't going. They understood and were genuinely sad that I was staying behind, even with a legitimate reason.

We had the uncomfortable I'll see you when you get back/I may not get back look. We all knew, especially the Vet's, this could be it. More so the Vet's.

I will miss my friends, my Brothers in arms who killed and saw others killed along with me. The feeling of lost friends filled me even though they stood in front of me shaking hands and patting backs as we joked about getting killed. Blackness and humor are bed fellows in war. I have to joke about the possible to kill the power of the inevitable for some unlucky bastard.

I hear the same line about the family and how I am their only one. It is true, but the other family I have may need me as much since I am a better soldier than I am a Husband and Father. Killing is easy, loving isn't.

I hope that this war ends, I am not a politician and I have no political goal. I just want all of 1-23 Infantry, the Tomahawk Battalion, to make it home and drink with me again at least one last time before we all move on with our lives and forget all the lies we told each other.

GOOD LUCK MY BROTHERS AND GODSPEED TO YOU.

TOMAHAWKS!!

Personal Iraq Diary: 17-22 September 2004

2006-06-25T01:29:00.000-04:00

17 September 2004

This is our first patrol in town since giving 5-20 the right-seat ride. There were so many children out today smiling and waving. In one place I was sitting there were about 7 children on a rooftop across the street playing a silly little clapping game with me. I would hold my hands up then they would do the same. It was really fun. That was until we left and were fired upon by mortars. Must have been since we were investigating the water tower. That's where we think ghey fire on the chow hall from. You can see the chow hall perfectly from there. I feel the shelling's never going to stop. There's always someone to replace the guy we kill. Either way they can't shoot for shit.

I have resigned myself to do ALL the things that I have put off when I get home...ALL. First off I need to be better, no, nicer to the family. You can always be nicer to the family.

18 September 2004

We heard a few days ago that one of the 'terps turned traitor and sold a list of names and addresses to the bad guys. Several quit, some killed. They say one was gunned down in the street and another beheaded. Well today Hawk made me a little drawing of the kids names in
Arabic and Kurdish. I liked it.

22 September 2004

I don't know why but today I started feeling like I have been missing out on a lot of things. I know I was broke before coming back in but I feel sometimes as if I should be out. As stressed as I was from the money I feel that at this time I should be out. Being stressed and angry kept me from enjoying many things. I know it sounds overly dramatic but I have to do all the things I've missed if I make it home. Maybe it comes from the very real fact that my Dad may die and it will be just me. I can't let life do to me what it did to him. He would want that. I hope he can come visit when I get back.

2006-06-25T01:25:00.000-04:00

This is the water tower outside of the FOB we thought the rounds came from. The locals would always mention this place as where they saw the shooters.

2006-06-25T01:21:00.000-04:00

These are the kids playing the clapping game. I would do something and they would copy it. Clapping overhead then just holding them up then waving. This went on for about 5 minutes on and off. It was fun. A nice change from the normal atmosphere.

New NPR Interview.

2006-05-26T20:53:00.000-04:00

Today I did an interview for WBUR Boston for the show "On Point." Listen at this link .
Thanks for the support.

Personal Iraq Diary: 12-16 September 2004

2006-05-25T22:37:00.000-04:00

12 September 2004

Just got back from Tall Afar, felt like a bust. We walked into the town late at night with about 99% of the electric lights out. We approached the city from the west across a huge field in a company sized wedge. I was dead center with my platoon and the PL (platoon leader) all of us with night vision an IR lights on. I raised my NODS to see how dark it was and the night was so thick you could feel it pushing against you. It was one of the few creeps we did since I've been here. I kept inhaling through my open mouth to deaden the sound of my breath. It took about 15 minutes to cross this field only to have a wall it's entire length waiting for us. We breached a fence and some of us still had to jusp the wall. We were all so nervous we were sure there would be casualties. I really wanted to come home with empty magazines.

Through the whole town there was no one on the street. We all walked with this sense of "it's coming around this turn, or this one, or this one." We did conduct a few raids along the way. One of the raids kept us in an area for over 90 minutes. I think I fell alseep standing up for a minute. I still don't know if I did and no one can tell me otherwise.

After about 8 hours of walking and kicking in doors we settled into a traffic circle as out blocking position. SGT A...... saw 2 guys in black pajamas walking down the street and signalled to me. We both drrew down on them and just as we were going to fire they saw something, probably one of our guys, and ran off. We didn't fire to give away our location. Later I saw one about 200 meters from my position. But I wasn't allowed to engage. I did get a black rally flag out of this so not a total loss.

The SGM gave us all coins for the mission. He rode with us and said it was for putting up with his ass all night. In the end we regained control of the city and the only casualty was a dog that SGT L.... shot with a non-lethal round because it was getting too close.

16 September 2004

Two days ago 1-14 Cav lost one with five wounded in a drive-by in Mosul. The Hajj' had a PKM with AP rounds. One of the wounded was M......, he was a driver for Commanche Company and was moved over to the Cav when he got here late because we were full. The man killed was SGT Demand. (link) I was his medic before we came over. Poor Demand was stop-lossed and shouldn't have even been here. Along with Coleman (link) that makes 6 KIA I personally knew. I guess you can't make it through a war without someone you know getting killed.

Seems like we're staying here until the 5th of October now. The rest of the battalion is already ready already so they go we stay. Seems the Cav are not able to hold the city alone. They will be "in charge" of us. OK tough guy.

Only about 20 days and this stage of the war will be over for us.

2006-05-25T22:30:00.000-04:00

Al-Sistani poster. The road to the right was where I saw one real live bad guy in a black uniform and shemagh. He was carrying an AK and I leaned into my weapon to kill him. I called for permission and was told to stand down, though I knew better I was told we were "weapons tight", means no free fire zones. One of the single most frustrating moments of my life.

2006-05-25T22:26:00.000-04:00

This is B24V, my Stryker.

2006-05-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

The street where the 2 guys mentioned above were and ran off.

2006-05-25T22:23:00.000-04:00

And finally the insurrgent rally flag from Tall Afar. This is what the Hajj' would use during a battle to get men together. If you are a bad guy and you want to get together with other bad guys you would wait under one of these flags and when 2 or 3 others would show up...mayhem ensues.

Personal Iraq Diary: 6 - 10 September 2004.

2006-05-20T13:16:00.000-04:00

6 September 2004

Last night we were called out to the vehicles and placed on standby because 1-14 Cav got lit up on Route Tampa and had 1 dead and 3 wounded. As usual they were out playing cowboy looking for the shit...they found it. We had a couple of fast movers go over orbiting the city when we saw them decend. We were all so sure they were going to drop one on Mosul. They didn't.

Then we find out everyone else is going to Tall Afar for a few days while we stay here to hold the city. The companies will rotate out each day. Now the viscious viscious is that we may not go down south at all since we're so short.

Tonight we went out on QRF for a vehicle recovery. Stryker blew out a hub and it had to be towed back. It was in our favorite place, the Yarmuk traffic circle. It's always cool to say it's the most dangerous road in the world and I commute to work on it daily. Tomorrow we have a counter-mortar set from 08-11 so it's another 3 hours of fun in the sun. Oh joy.

10 September 2004

We spent over 24 hours in Tall Afar watching it get pounded by AC-130's and fast movers. The whole night we watched Spectre hitting targets with the 105 and 20 mike mike. It burned all fucking night. We had a few tracers come our way but I guess the Hajj was far away and only had an idea where we were because the rounds were high and burned out before actually getting too close. A few indirect rounds hit close but the worst it did was hurt our feelings and knock the dust out of our uniforms.

We're supposed to come back on the 12th to clear the city house by house. They say there are over 300 insurgents that have taken over the city, many al-Qaida. We had Delta snipers popping targets from early in the night to the morning. By then we had hundreds of refugees fleeing the city. The terrorists that control the city need to die. The wierd thing is that the people didn't look like what you would think a refugee would look like. Not so dishevelled as you would expect. Then again they did live right down the street.

Yes, must die.

2006-05-20T13:14:00.000-04:00

For those of you have have only seen it on the news no words can describe what a mass exodus from a city means. Watching thousands flee was sad and amazing. We watched a man carrying his elderly mother on his back as assholes passed them in their cars. Horrocks had enough of that. He ran into the street with some water for them and sat her down. Then the next car that came by was stopped at gunpoint and forced to take them. This fucker had a van with 2 people in it. You see, nice things do happen over there

2006-05-20T13:09:00.000-04:00

More evacuees.

2006-05-20T13:07:00.000-04:00

This is the no-shit light on the AC-130 at around 10,000 feet. Now you know why we wear IR reflective panels on ourselves and our vehicles. I had a big American IR flag on top of my helmet. I realize we weren't going to get hit but one time the light passed over our vehicle and we all started yelling"no no no" as a joke to freak out the guys who weren't paying attention.

2006-05-20T13:03:00.000-04:00

AC-130 will make the most boring night interesting, and mixed with the random firing from the terrorists the tracers made for the wine of an already fine meal. Imagine watching this for 2 straight days. We just sat there calling in strikes for days and days before going in. You can make out a Stryker below the blast and three soldiers on the right. I believe those were multiple hits from the 20mm cannon on a site we had been hitting for about 6 hours.

2006-05-20T12:59:00.000-04:00

Impact from the AC-130 main gun onto some bad men as seen through the AN-PVS-7B.

2006-05-20T12:57:00.000-04:00

The mosque you see on the right is shown in the picture below. The JDAM will be dropped on the building to the left. It was FILLED with insurgents...was.

2006-05-20T12:54:00.000-04:00

Standard Combat Doc fare...an Iraqi sunrise, again.

2006-05-20T12:52:00.000-04:00

A Stryker Battalion of 64 vehicles...$180,000,000. We surrounded the city of Tall Afar beginning on 5 Sep 2004 with our battalion and AC-130, F-16, and Apache support. Many bad men smeared onto the pavement.

2006-05-20T12:49:00.000-04:00

...preparing the city for bombardment by evacuating women and children with their families...$1,000,000. We had all the people in town leave and the only way men of military age could leave was to be with a family of their own. As strange as that sounds there are no bachelor pads in Iraq. If you are of military age and without a family you were more than likely a bad man. If you weren't you were smart enough to hide in town. The terrorists didn't. We actualy arrested a few guys hiding out amongst the families. The women would rat them out as soon as they reached us.

2006-05-20T12:43:00.000-04:00

...killing terrorists with a JDAM...priceless. There has been some argument as to whether the bomb was dropped on bad guys or a herd of sheep. Even if the camera showed sheep, as many of us saw, the building was still an area of real resistance. Like I said above the city was so overrun that the battalion in the city couldn't leave the FOB. This is on the last day before we actually went in and searched EVERY house and room in town. More to follow.

2006-03-26T20:31:00.000-05:00

This is me signing the soccer ball mentioned below. We had all the guys in our vehicle sign. Me, Cummings, Buzzell, most of the guys from "the book." May see it on e-bay one day.

Personal Iraq Diary: 4 September 2004.

2006-03-26T20:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we gave a right-seat ride to 5-20 to show them around the city since we are going down south. Before going out we collected all the candy and what-nots from the care packages sent to us and put it in a trash bag. While out on the patrol we threw it out to all the kids we saw. They lost their minds. I was worried we may squash a few as close as they were getting to the stryker. Cummings got a soccer ball through the mail(?) and since we never used it the squad signed it and I put the platoons name and company on it and we were to throw it out also. Fucking guy though SGT K.... threw it at some kids and missed landing it by some IPs who kept it. About 2200 a mortar went off while hanging out outside the conex and not one guy blinked.

Today 5-20 was in a firefight and a Kiowa was shot down. Now we're going to Tal Afar because they suck. The word is they're trapped in the FOB because the city has been overrun by about 300 insurrgents. We seem to now have major shit-talking rights since we have saved every battalion in this brigade at least once.

Three Years, Confusion, Policy, and Lip Service From All

2006-03-19T13:04:00.000-05:00

I have done several interviews with the media from NPR to the latest from the Washington Post. Again, no one seems to get it. I give a 2 hour interview and I get quoted talking about Joe's getting laid and Army morality. Every story running is either quoting Bush and his mistake or screaming how they support the troops. Then there's Fox News.

Most soldiers I talk to fall into one of three groups. First are the die hard supporters. Guys who claim to "hate the Hajj" but really only do so because they think it's their job to. This is about 10%. Second are the anti-war, Bush is full of shit, no war for oil crowd. These guys see no good at all even if they were part of it. This is about another 10 or so percent. The rest are guys who do their job and seem to be the most confused. The right is saying "Yay Bush" but they see holes in the story. The left is screaming bring our soldiers home while some wear shirts saying "Germans Supported Their Troops Too" and claiming to speak for a relatively conservative military. Don't worry guys, there's no draft coming. College campuses and wanna-be hippies take note.

It seems each side is claiming to speak for the soldiers but the press interviews and CNN stories are only pulling out the bits they want to publish to get their message across. Whatever that message is Joe isn't getting his out.

The fact is that Iraq has both sides. It was a good fight to free a people who have never known what it is to be free. At the same time we went in under a lie and many of the plans and policies have done more harm than good. Cultural and political differences in understanding have created those problems. There have been elections but what will be the end result. Also the enemy does benefit from your dissent. But soldiers have been used by all. The press on both sides uses stories of convenience to push an agenda while the government holds to some claims and moves into others to keep the people supporting the war.

In the end Joe isn't being heard by the pro or the anti's. There is good and bad going on there but the only one who will tell you the truth is the shooter who handed out bread to the children and lead to the Hajj.

Religious Sensitivity and Bullshit or "Who's That Hypocrite That's a Sex Machine to All the Chicks."

2006-03-14T00:59:00.000-05:00

Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef on South Park, has left the show citing the shows recent bashing of religion. No not the 150 episodes where Christians, Muslims, Jews, Mormons, and Satan were mocked...but SCIENTOLOGY! His religion.

Another view of religious intolerance from the religious nvts (note Roman spelling a la Mel Brooks) and their bullshit. I, again, am an atheist. But rarely have you heard me outright mock beliefs since those "stupid" people are us. You have your stupid, irrational fears and beliefs as I do. But to make a career in a particular program that lives to mock and poke at the foibles of ALL beliefs, cultures, traditions, nationalities, ethnicity's(?), and countries you show just how full of shit you are when you get butt-hurt about your crackpot sci-fi story getting it.

Here is the CNN story, read it and come back.

Just as Mel Brooks used nigger as a statement about the absurdity of our prejudices in Blazing Saddles so does South Park when it bashes, well anything. I am not a South Park fan. I have seen a few episodes but I don't follow it like religion. It is not high brow and shouldn't be. We need good old-fashioned trashy humor to mix these things up.

Free speech must be defended when it's most offensive. If you can't take it don't dish it. Isaac, you should take your whole South Park check and divide it between all the religions, political beliefs, and lifestyles you offended as the Chef. Just like a Mormons gosh darnit is actually more a curse than my god damnit, your leaving when it's your door getting pissed on after you pissing on others for 10 years shows not only your ignorance and intolerance, but how full of shit you really are.

...shut your mouth.

Tom Fox, The "You'll Never Take Me Alive" Bullet, Defeatism, and Savagery or What Did You Expect.

2006-03-11T16:04:00.000-05:00

I just returned from one miserable month at the National Training Center at Fort Irwin California. While there We played Iraq and had real Iraqi's acting as interpreters, local officials, and just regular people. I had a discussion on more than one occasion about militant Islam and what they felt about what is going on with the state of Islam. As you could imagine they were VERY reformed since coming to America. Most called themselves Muslim but never prayed or went to mosque (like most "Christians") and they had issues with some of the Koran's teachings and the teachings of their fellows. As I have said before about Christianity and Islam people have their beliefs adjusted to the religion they want to practice or believe.

I also had an on-off 3-day discussion with Jack of Jack and the Fictional Reader about my "You'll- Never-Take-Me-Alive" bullet and how defeatist he felt it was. I gave the Rambo movie scenario about how I was in a room alone, out of ammo, the platoon was dead, and 20 Hajj were about to storm in. I refuse to be an internet download for you sick fuckers who enjoy rotton.com and ogrish.com vid's. We didn't agree as he said he would try to escape however he could. I agreed but the numbers have spoken for themselves. Only one man has escaped his captors in Iraq and he was probably held by the 3rd string terrorist squad.

Now Tom Fox has been found dead having been beaten by an electrical cord before dying. An Iraqi journalist and a human rights activist were also killed the same day.

When will the world of religion, ALL RELIGIONS, realize the savagery and ignorance of their acts. Tom Fox was a Quaker who was trying to help the prisoners held in American jails in Iraq and their very buddies murdered him. You may love god and all men but they don't love you. Sad but true, wrong god means dead. (I know same god different interpretation)

You want to say you live and let live but get enough beers into a Christian and he wants to kill fags. Mormons will justify their not allowing the coloreds to join their church until 1977. And Muslims will always, eventually, talk mad shit about Jews and America. Even though I talk about them as well, when was the last time a Christian convert strapped on a bomb and killed Arabs.

Just look at the illustrious Nation of Islam's leader and his comments this past week.

YAY GOD!!!

Bush Calls for End to Cartoon Violence or Itchy and Scratchy Where Are You.

2006-02-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

OK here it is...come get me. Do it and show the world they're right about you. What is the saddest part of the cartoon debauchle. All you lefty's calling for understanding remember the Jebus cartoon you laughed at along side me. If you watch Family Guy you know that Jebus and Christianity are RIPE targets for satire...no Family Guy riots in America. The Muslim says that no representations of the human form or the Prophet are allowed. There is a French chapel with a painting of the Prophet being tortured in Hell scrawled across the celing. Where are those riots.

Is this an opportunist, convenient practicing of religion. Now all of you religious right nuts who say it's wrong to make fun of a religion remember the Mormon joke you laughed at. Or when your pastor made fun of the Hari Krishna's hair. Or when you got mad when you saw the Darwin fish on the back of my car. Don't be so quick to throw them into the fire when you should really be joining them.

Free expression and its protection is MOST important when it offends. Everything, and I mean everything will offend someone. Welcome to America and the 21st Century. If your religion can't take a little gig from time to time then you may have to reevaluate it and how much you really believe. By the way, notice they're mad at the drawing of Mohammed not the fact that it implies the BIG BUTTON. (the one that would destroy non-Mussy's)

Cops, Joes, The Press, War Crimes, and Frustration.

2006-02-03T11:06:00.000-05:00

I NEVER felt a bit of sympathy for Rodney King...until today. On February 1st a story came out about an Air Force Policeman shot by a Chino California sherrif's deputy after a 100 mph chase. The standard nosey neighbor shot a video of Elio Carrion being shot 3 times after complying with the officer and verbalizing the officers commands showing compliance. From the look of the low quality video he was on his knees when the shots rang out. By the way, he had been back from Iraq only a few hours.

1. I only found this because a buddy saw it on CNN. I found it of all places on ogrish.com. Not one outlet I checked had it on their homepage.

2. He was not even the driver.

3. He's a cop also.

4. Why do rich white girls get an hour about how they disappeared while whoring around in Aruba, but dead (or abused) soldiers only get a mention and not even a published name.

5. What would you say if a Joe had killed a Hajj while the prisoner was on his knees pleading and complying with orders. Look at your reaction over a picture of a known terrorists' penis shown on the internet.

This just seems to reaffirm my belief that, historically and certainly not all, police have been the opressors of the people while soldiers have been their liberators.

Why does the cop treat the gang member with "respect" but the soccer mom with disdain for running a stop. Soccer mom wont ventilate him while he gets coffee, a ha.

The union will circle the wagons and give us the standard cop under stress speech but if I am paying you to uphold our laws them you should be above all reproach. If you can't handle that then go work the information booth at the mall. If a soldier kicks a captured, known terrorist who just shot at us he gets UCMJ action, a cop gets suspension with pay and his job back. And no matter what you tell me, the worst cop firefight is no where near the smallest skirmish we saw in Iraq or Afghanistan or Panama or Grenada or Vietnam.

I'll end with this; when a cop gets into a shootout he gets years of therapy and drugs and psych eval's and time off. When an 18 year-old without hair one between his legs opens up on a gang of terrorists all shooting at him, he gets a warm meal and a good nap. Maybe that just shows the mentality of each.

Terrible Fashion Statement or Not Every War Profiteer Looks Like The Guy On The Monopoly Box.

2006-01-29T23:09:00.000-05:00

This is the wristband I wear for my buddy Jake. He died in Mosul after Blackhawk company handed over the patrolling of the city to the Cav'. He died in a drive-by while on patrol as they made their way back to the vehicles.

The black wrist band has become some sort of morbid fashion statement. I see anonymous names on the wrists of people who have and have not been over. I see some of the same names over and over again. I wonder if they really knew the guy or it's a generic band bought from some war profiteer, yes war profiteer. I am glad these are being made and worn to remember the Joes who died but the worst is the guy making this and the damned yellow ribbons. His doings are no better than the CEO of General Dynamics getting a $1M bonus for their record profits, or KBRs supposed dealings.

I hope they're all worn by those who either knew them or are genuinely concerned for us. If you do really care then thanks. But at least make sure they give a couple of bucks from their profits to some scholarship fund for Jake's kids or the USO so the single Joe has a sandwich at the Atlanta airport. If you don't give some of your profits back to those you claim to represent you're a scumbag and we should hang you by those yellow ribbons.

Nope, I'm not sorry.

Iraq Quick Memory List #1.

2006-01-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

ON 1 September I sat in my room and thinking of how I may forget a lot of the things from my time in Iraq. I made a list of one and two word items that would, hopefully, spark my memory over the years to come. I will chop up the list and place a brief explanation next to the more esoteric ones.

BUNKERS - our bunkers were a "U" shaped piece of concrete turned upside down while south in Baghdad they had very elaborate ones with concrete floors and even sandbags sleeving the whole thing.

MUJDAT'S - he was a Turk who owned a shop at Incerlik A.B. Turkey and opened one on FOB Marez. He made kebops and this meat pizza with goat cheese that gave everyone but me the runs. The kebops were the size of a man's forearm and came in beef, lamb, and chicken.

HAJJI SHOPS - they were on every post and FOB in Iraq. Short of toiletries you could get what you wanted there. Booze if you were so inclined. They sold Coke, Pepsi, and a myriad of foreign chocolate that kept me on my dopamine high for the whole tour.

Pop Kek - foreign chocolate cup cake made with just enough crack to keep me hooked the entire tour.

Dust and Duststorms - 0 to midnight in 5 seconds. It gets into everything. Some of my gear is still covered in it even after washing.

No Rain
My Blog
MWR

Protracted Conversations - I have never had so many 12 hour conversations in my life. Maybe that's one reason war is so life changing.

Old Town
Ninevah

Wall of Girls - my conex wall was covered with about 100 different Maxim, Stuff, and FHM pics.
Of course the family pics were next to my head so I could see them before bed.

Queen for a Year - the fattest, ugliest, most obnoxious girls had the pick of the litter for one year. The line was "remember that you are only one plane ride from being ugly again." May be wrong but it happens.

Garbage Everywhere
The Sounds
Down Time

"Mista Mista" - standard Iraq child line said with hands extended out when American's present.

QRF - Quick Reaction Force.

Hajji Movies/Bootleg DVDs
Bad European Music Videos on MTV Europe

VW Passat and Opels - these 2 were 70% of the cars in Iraq, and in white and orange.

IP and ICDC - names for the Iraqi police and Iraqi Civil Defense Corps, also known as Ick Dick. Maybe that's why they changed it to ING, Iraqi National Guard.

More to follow...

Personal Iraq Diary: 24 - 31 August 2004.

2006-01-06T20:58:00.000-05:00

24 August 2004

A few days ago Iraq beat Australia in soccer 1-0 and Mosul went crazy.We had about an hour of tracer fire and three mortar rounds all of them not fired at us. It would be so cool if Iraq won the gold. We have had a slow couple of days. Patrols, IED sweeps, OP's, and hours of downloading porn on the Hajji internet. One mortar hit the FOB yesterday. The same day Buzzell and I were walking to the MWR internet when we came upon a UXO mortar round just sitting in the road. We told this pogue unit down the street to call EOD and I covered it with a sandbag. They didn't seem to concerned with it, why should they be. If it hasn't gone off by now it probably won't. Other than that, blah.

27 August 2004

Strange feeling today. I was cleaning under the bed in my conex and while passing a wet rag on the floor I got a whiff of Christmas. I know it sounds strange but the smell of dust reminded me of those old musty boxes on the top shelf of the closet. You know, the ones that have 11 months of dust on them and it cascades over you when pulled down. It has to be the strongest thing I've felt since I've been here. Even stranger than that is the "homey" feeling I get in my conex when I get inside. Feels safe and isolated somehow.

31 August 2004

Well it sounds official. After weeks of "the river in Egypt" it seems we're going down south towards Baghdad to some small town calledTaji. The word also says we're going to be theater QRF. There have been a dozen "viscious viscious" about the why of this move. One says we're going down there to leave. Let's hope but not too much. A mortar round landed one row away from my conex but UXO'd. It's been there about 2 days. If it had launched 1/2 a degree right it would have punched through my roof. Oh well, you can't "what if" yourself to death. Let's see how long it sits there. At 2300 last night a Kiowa went over and dropped 4 flares from about 100 feet up. Scared the dog shit out of me and SGT A.....s. I thought he had been painted and was elluding a SAM. It was right over the conex we were sitting in front of. Oh well. The mortars and small arms fire are so common I don't think I'll write about them anymore.

2006-01-06T20:39:00.000-05:00

This is a billboard in northern Mosul that went up around Olympic time. Most guys were pulling for the Iraq team to get a gold during the games. We thought the national pride thing might spark something in the people to help more and go after the insurrgents. Then we heard the team captain was a Zarqawi operative. True or not it was enough to deflate whatever support they had from the Joe's.

All Is Quiet On New Years Day.

2006-01-01T19:49:00.000-05:00

Just another day to hate what's different,

Just another day to be intolerant,

Just another day to have religion keep mankind apart,

Just another day to think this will be the day we will change and don't,

Just another day to care for ourselves forgetting those who really need it, regardless of who it is,

In the end it's only a change we will forget for the first 2 weeks of the year where our checks for all the shit we waste our efforts on still say '05.

Happy New Year, really.

Personal Iraq Diary: 18, 19 August 2004.

2005-12-30T14:08:00.001-05:00

18 August 2004

This afternoon we went out after a mortar round was fired into the city center. It landed in an intersection and caused a bit of a mess. When we arrived I got some pictures of a mosque near bridge 3 and moved over to the hit. Our vehicle was last and I didn't make it up all the way. As usual by the time we got to the scene the Iraqi ambulance had carried off the dead and wounded but some of their parts were left behind. Lafferty found a piece of someones skull about the size of your hand. Turns out the Hajj' killed 7 and wounded 10.

We sat on the water tower from 18 to 2100. Cummings and I climbed to the top of the tower and I have to say it was one of the most unnerving things I have ever done. The ladder shook the whole way up. He went first and of course he called me on it and I had to do it as well. I just wish I maintained the balls to take a picture while standing on this giant billiard ball. Standing up there was not as fun as I thought it would be. I also left a little message up there. It's now for the ages.

19 August 2004

We ran around today on "patrol". The first OP was surrounded by about 30 children. That always makes me nervous, kids are usually a good sign but you never know with the Hajj'. He'll kill them as quickly as us. Next we "hid" in the middle of a field for about 45 minutes. Felt good to be so far from the vehicles. Felt like a light fighter again. Other than that and a few rounds from the Hajj's tubes, nothing.

2005-12-30T14:06:00.000-05:00

To the left is where the mortar round landed . The intersection is there and that's where the chunks were found; to the right is bridge 3.

2005-12-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

Me on the tower. Note the lack of magazine since we were inside the wire. I think I look a little fruity in this picture but you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have...my pictures.

2005-12-30T14:02:00.000-05:00

The water tower was a great place to take pictures of the city. You were about 100 feet up and had a 360 of the FOB and Mosul. We never saw a damn thing the times we were up there. At night though the tracer fire was purty. I use to joke around while looking out at the city and say "...the beautiful and dangerous city of Mosul..." inserting that wherever the word Mosul should be while using the Bill Murray from Caddyshack voice.

2005-12-30T13:58:00.000-05:00

This is a continuation of the above pic. It was going to be stitched together but after the photo a buddy of mine did I wasn't going to try to top it. You can see the one he made on my post dated 26 September 2005.

2005-12-30T13:56:00.000-05:00

Another view from the tower facing to the NNW.

2005-12-30T13:54:00.000-05:00

Again...the city. Beautiful, dangerous. Blah,blah,blah.

2005-12-30T13:53:00.000-05:00

Don't freak out, this is through a pair of binoculars we had on the tower. Cheap Army issue zoom lens. The bent phallus you see is the Nurid mosque. I've posted pictures of it before. It's said that Mohammed passed the mosque and it bowed to him in respect. That or the millenium-plus it's been standing may have something to do with it. The 'terps told me that story. Maybe it was another prophet or holy guy. Either way the phallus comment will surely piss off the next Mohammedan that comes by this site. Sorry.

2005-12-30T13:48:00.000-05:00

Lastly, another sunset pics of mine from Iraq. I've posted so many of these and I have even more. I'm not sure if I found them more beautiful here or just began to appreciate them more. I call all of them Lion King pictures. I wish I could sing in Swahili.

Amazon, The Bible, and Being a Skeptic.

2005-12-26T01:53:00.000-05:00

I always say to friends that being a skeptic doesn't mean not believing in anything; it means not believing everything. That being said the Bible has always been called "The best selling book of all time." Okay let's look at this.

I spent the last few days looking up the bible on various book sellers sites including Barnes and Noble and Amazon. You type in King James Bible and start to look up numbers and you see the truth. Every time you look it up every top choice in the search is well below 2,000 on the list. On BN.com the first listing under books for KJ Bible is James Earl Jones reads the Bible on CD. On Amazon the first choice is number 288,393 in the rankings.

This is not a rant about the Bible but about people swallowing everything told to them. So many people have said this that most people take it without a glass of water.

The fact that these sites constantly update their numbers will be one argument but I don't see the bible dropping from 1 to 288,393 in one hour. Also they may say that the time it has been published gives it that rank. Well considering that Don Quixote has been in print longer and most people didn't have the ability to read the Bible until about 200 years after it's mass printing may give that argument some grief.

In the end don't swallow everything that they hand you. I love the idea of aliens but I haven't seen them. I want a redneck to find the skeleton of Bigfoot to prove that lost species may be out there but I wont swallow some shitty 8mm film made 40 years ago. And I wont believe the bible is the best selling book of all time because your parents told you so. Most of your parents approved of segregation and slavery, didn't let your great-grandmother vote, liked Nixon, believe Intelligent Design is a real scientific theory, and remember when Mormons didn't let Negroes into the church because they're marked. Remember; it was all once the Christian thing to do.

Christmas, X-mas, and the State of The Politically Correct.

2005-12-22T19:51:00.000-05:00

When Israel decided to systematically isolate and persecute (many times rightfully though) an entire race of people I thought, "Of all people they should know better." Now I have atheist friends divided into several groups. The ones who want to damn near wage war with the religious right, and left; and those who just let them do their thing. Sadly a loud grouping of atheists now have taken the former view.

I can't stand religion or the overly religious but they are here and acting as judgmental as they do only makes them act like fanatics. Even though I can't stand them and their ilk I give them a wide berth as long as they give me one as well.

I have said it over and over again, when we act as tolerant as they say they are we will show them who they really are. Just like the lady in the video I posted last week they will only turn their kind away when they show their true colors.

The only way to get converts is to show them that WE are the tolerant ones. That WE accept all and don't condemn you for rubbing one out, or wearing rubbers, or dancing, or reading Harry Potter.

I know that many of you are going to go off on a rant in the comments but accept it, we believe in a brotherhood of man and a oneness from the same evolutionary line. We can't have the loud minority speak for all of us. Those of you who claim religion will, as always, pick and choose what you want to follow and not follow but we just want you to keep it to yourselves.

In the end the SECULAR America that has always existed will keep you at bay.

By the way...MERRY CHRISTMAS. It is what this diatribe was about anyway.

2005-12-19T11:38:00.000-05:00

On the 16th of August we had the kids bring us this asking for money. It's, from top down, a Soviet 14.5mm round, an RPG fin fragment, and a .50 cal round. Must be from the Iran/Iraq War. We gave them a case of MRE's and they fought like crazed weasels over them. We wound up having to break them up. They have little bully assholes in Iraq too. The grenade below is also from that day.

2005-12-19T11:33:00.000-05:00

This is the grenade From the 16 August entry. You can read about it in the book "My War" on page 278. I just don't feel like reinventing the wheel today.

Personal Iraq Diary: 12 - 16 August 2004.

2005-12-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

12 Aug 2004

Arrived in Quatar around 2100 to 100 degree temps. I've had almost no sleep. Between worrying about Papi and his hospital stay and what happened on the 4th. I don't want to wind up hating min for getting better. It kills me that not one hour after the shootout I was on Yahoo IM with Lafferty and he told me the whole thing. 2 wounded and I was at home on emergency leave. I just hope they all, Papi included, turn out OK.

14 Aug 2004

Strange feeling about coming back, it feels like home. It feels like I never left and when I was gone it was a vacation. There was a strange sense of comfort crossing the street from the airfield and getting back to the FOB. After feeling guilty about not being here on the 4th everyone kept it on down low; probably knowing I'd be upset. Some guys said that one of the first conversations they had were about me and how pissed I'd be. They were right.

16 August 2004

Yesterday Buzzell was confined to the FOB for writing his blog. We have had several discussions about it over the last 24 hours. A WSJ reporter has been on his blog several times and now he's talking to him, guess for an interview.

I am trying to encourage him to take advantage of this situation, I think more so that since I want to write I'd love to see someone I know get what I want. Vicarious living you know. He gets out of the Army in about 4 months and I told him not to worry about what THEY think. This could be the opportunity of a lifetime and when he gets out he'll kick himself for not pissing more people off.

Also last night a mortar hit dangerously close to us. Scared the hell out of everyone, saw the sparks and blast, all of it. We all got a nervous cover-up man laugh out of it.

Earlier yesterday we were on a counter-mortar set when a round went up and we had to do the mad chase after the ghost. We went to our usual neighborhood and about 20 kids chased us around waving and laughing. You know you're safe when the parents let their kids out...generally. One brought us a rusted out Soviet grenade, which didn't work, and asked for money. Then another brought us a .50 cal round, an RPG fin, and a 14.5 mm round. All of them rusted out and probably older than all of them. It took the big wigs some time to figure out it was nothing. Don't listen to the old munitions guy though (me). When Iraqi EOD came out the SGT grabs the grenade and says if it hasn't gone off by now it wont and chucked it back into the grassy field. In America people would clear the surrounding 10 miles out. We evacuate neighborhoods for leaky septic tanks. Those kids might be playing catch with it right now.

I need a good shoot-em up soon.

Army + Iraq = Quixotic.

2005-12-18T14:13:00.000-05:00

Look it up. Most Joe's (your most hated writer included) suffer from this illness.

Tilting since 2003.

Everyone Has an Excuse for These Types.

2005-12-15T00:56:00.000-05:00

Say they're not "true" christians, say they're not really our kind, say the what you will, at the end of the day this is the "tolerant" side of religion. When you back them up against the wall (or get some beer in them) EVERY person of religion will have something like this come out.

GVOD Google Video of the Day.

NO shit, WOW!

P.S. Be prepared to be pissed at me, you know who you are.

Feeling Like the New Guy or You Don't Know What It Feels Like 'Till You're There.

2005-12-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

A lot of guys like to say what they would do when they get to Iraq. I use to say the same thing. I'm sure they really believe what they'll do is what they say. It's too easy to put them down but then you remember you said all the same shit...then you went and you HAD to do it.

Nothing made me braver than years of shit-talking that forced me to back it up. I ran head long into the fire, I made sure I always dismounted the Stryker so I could justify my ex-11B status, I always fired back when I had the chance. I always stacked on the wall for the raid and always got hands on the enemy when they were captured. I managed to justify myself to myself.

New guys give the rah-rah God and country speach and you begin to think back on how you not only said the same thing but regret saying those things sometimes.

Looking back and remembering the laundry list of things you did you start to inventory and say, "Well, maybe I shouldn't have done that...and that...maybe that was a bad idea...oh and that was REALLY dumb." Mental note; use more cover next time. Your own mortality is never in question until it's no longer in question.

Being outside the wire and not having that feeling of surrounding danger but having it surround you is exhilerating and something that you can never describe. Being in a small unit surrounded by enemy at all sides that are playing ninja and you all know they're there and they know you're there but no one shoots because no one is sure where the other is, well that's Iraq.

Emotions, feelings of power when you control a whole town or city. Having the Army call on YOU to save a unit or a brigade. Stopping traffic with a single hand and a gun that could only kill 30 of them but you stop 1,000 is intoxicating. Invading a home and finding stacks of weapons and bags of money makes you feel like the job is real...then you see a dead civilian a few days later. You don't want to know who killed them.

It's easy to see how this war and others consume those who were there and make mercenaries, drug addicts, alcoholics, and artists. We're all the same, looking for our release valve.

Either way most of the new guys will be just fine, 'till they get back.